Turn it Off, Then on Again
by OnlySlightlySane
Summary: Because I'm trash and want to try my hand a writing a lame parody fic. A BatterXPlayer fic, where the Player is actually an entity in the world of OFF. Plot, what plot? Doesn't follow the story progression at all and is pure crack yo.
1. Chapter 1

**I played OFF and absolutely loved it, and I accidentally started doing this weird shipping thing between The Batter and The Puppeteer/Player? But mostly this is happening because I'm trash and want to write a shitty fanfiction xD I flipped through my old fanfictions a while back, and I'm combining some of the biggest faux pas I can think of and putting them in this horrible parody fic. So literally, this is pure crack and I do not expect it to be taken seriously at all xD **

**Anyway, this fic won't contain any graphic smut, sorry yo's. It might have heavy implications of some Puppeteer/PlayerXBatter action, but no 'He put tab A into slot B'. I also refer to the "Player" as "Puppeteer" because I saw them referred to that on an OFF wiki and really liked it.**

He walked in silence along the long pathway of Zone 0. The Batter, purifier of the world, was on a mission. The world was corrupt and sick, in need of his saving. It was a daunting task, but one he was proud to have been given. Beside him walked a woman, her feet making even less sound than The Batter's quiet footsteps. Her long hair stopped inches from the ground and fell around her shoulders in a faded-grey cascade. The Batter could only hazard a guess as to what colour it was, for in this world most things were leached of pigment. Her eyes were a similar story, but considering they were a lighter grey than her hair he guessed they were maybe a blue, or light green. She carried a thick book in her arms, a book The Batter knew told her all important information about the world such as his Health, CP and other vital stats. Her clothes were plain, a white top and black skirt. Monotonous, unsuspecting. She was not one to seek attention, and her plain attire reflected.

She was the Puppeteer, the one 'Controlling' The Batter. Or so it was said. The Batter knew better, she was there to observe, and nothing more.

"This is not the Zone that needs to be purified. Why have you brought me here?"

The Puppeteer glanced sideways at The Batter with a sad look. Her face was always sad, but his questions just made it even sadder. She could answer him all she wanted, but she was a being of another plane, and while her image could exist alongside The Batter, and the beings of the world he was in, her voice could not. So all she could to in response to his questions was glance sadly at him, or roll her eyes.

The pair walked for what seemed like ages, until in the path before them stood a lone cat.

"Greetings." It said to them in welcome.

"I am The Judge, I live here in this quiet zone by myself. It is quite rare to get visitors, tell me, are you perhaps a figment of my imagination?"

The Batter and the woman exchanged a quick glance.

"Ah, no, I see you are both very much real, a treat."

The Judge walked closer to them.

"Tell me, what is your name?"

The Batter held his bat aloft proudly.

"I am The Batter, here to purify the world and cleanse it of evil."

The Judge licked his paws in boredom.

"I'm afraid I was addressing your companion, the one who is not of this plane yet seems free to walk among it."

The Batter raised an eyebrow in interest.

"You can see her?"

"Indeed, but it seems like she is too far gone from this place to answer my question, so I will ask you to answer in her place."

The woman bowed her head as The Batter spoke.

"This is Palamilla. She is a watcher as I am on my journey of purification."

The Judge swished his tail politely.

"Most excellent to meet both of you. Now come and follow me, Batter and Palamilla, and I will lead you from this place."

The Batter followed The Judge with confident footsteps, while Palamilla followed meekly behind. She watched as The Judge told The Batter of the puzzles in the world, and watched from the sidelines as the deceptively strong cat taught The Batter to fight. Of course he already knew how to fight, but to pass up an opportunity to prove his might to anyone was far unlike The Batter. When they reached the end of Zone 0, it seemed a full day had passed. But had it really? Time always passed so strangely. There were times Palamilla could remember where it seemed like it took a thousand years just to move from one room to the other, and then times where it seemed walking between worlds took mere seconds. But so was the curse of being The Puppeteer.

The Judge bid them adieu at the outskirts of the Zone, promising to reunite with them later. The Batter paced around for a few moments, watching Palamilla as she stood still with her book cradled against her chest. The fact she wasn't moving was evidence enough she wasn't planning on going any further for now. The Batter sighed and sat down, Palamilla following after.

"I trust we are going to continue before too long?" The Batter huffed.

Palamilla looked at him with wide eyes.

_'__Of course.'_ She said, but he could not hear her.

_'__I only wish to rest a moment.'_

While The Batter sat impatiently, Palamilla read over the book in her hands. His HP was full, he carried a couple of healing items from The Judge's impromptu lessons of the world, and his stats looked awfully nice considering he was just starting out. Palamilla slid the book over to The Batter and stared at him. He eventually took the hint and started reading it.

"So these are my stats? Worthy I guess."

He slid the book back and adjusted his cap. Conversation with The Batter was difficult. Between his personality and the fact Palamilla could not directly communicate with him, most of their conversations were largely guessing what the other was thinking and awkward staring.

"Can we leave now?"

Palamilla sighed. She exaggerated her shoulders moving and the rise of her chest so The Batter would be fully aware of her annoyance. The Batter noticed her sass and returned it with sass of his own in the form of impatiently cleaning his pristine bat.

_'__Fine then,'_ Palamilla huffed as she stood up.

_'__Get moving.'_

The Batter stood up with her and headed towards the Zone's end. Before them was a large red box. Touching it completely restored The Batter's Health and Competence Points, and when Palamilla touched it, she felt the power to transition between other Zones. Palamilla moved herself and The Batter into the hub world between Zones and gasped. It was a dead place, no life and horrible whispers filled her head. The Batter didn't seem to be bothered by it, and calmly strutted around like he owned the place.

"Are you coming? Zone 1 is this way."

The Batter waited by the entrance to Zone 1 for Palamilla and the two placed their hands on a large red sphere that would take them to the entrance. In the brief, blinding light that shone before they completed their transfer, The Batter thought he got a glimpse of Palamilla's hair colour.

Wine red.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 of this disaster. I'm putting literally no effort into these btw. Enjoy. I'm trying to fit as many terrible cliche's as possible into this fic though, including pointless romance yayayayayay!**

_'__This is Zone 1, where smoke is processed. As the first of four elements, it is an important element...'_

As Palamilla followed The Batter through Zone 1, she rattled any information she thought would be important to know. The Batter couldn't hear her of course, but talking was better than following him in awkward silence. He really had no idea where he was going, even after talking to several people who lived in the Zone. After what felt like hours of pointless wandering, The Batter finally came to a stop and looked at Palamilla with a bored expression.

"Fine. I'm lost."

Palamilla sighed, exaggerating the motion for The Batter's sake.

"Don't be like that." He huffed.

_'__Well maybe you should spit up some of that pride you're so keen on swallowing.'_ Palamilla snipped in response.

"Can you show me where to go?" The Batter asked.

Palamilla looked around and nodded her head. She lead The Batter back a ways, and took him to the nearby smoke mines, where Spectres were becoming a problem. She waited around more on the sidelines while he defeated countless of them, until they reached the bowels of the mines and the lights faded away.

_'__Batter, stop!'_ She called.

_'__I'm terrified of the dark, let's turn back!'_

He pressed on, what was leading him Palamilla could only guess. She somehow managed to get lost, and wandered into a dead end. Around her she could hear the sounds of Spectres, mingling with the further distant sounds of The Batter shouting.

"Be purified vile Spectre!"

'Batter! Don't leave me behind!'

Palamilla frantically ran through the dark tunnels, carefully listening for any sound of The Batter.

"Palamilla? Where have you gone? Don't run off!"

Soft footsteps echoed through the tunnels. Palamilla knew they must belong to The Batter, but they were too soft for her to track them. Suddenly, three Spectres that were larger and had a different aura than the rest appeared before Palamilla.

'It's a shame you got stuck with him.' One said.

'Head too far up his own arse to see his downfall.' The second added.

'History repeats itself Palamilla, how many times have you traveled with The Batter?' The third pried.

Palamilla recognized those Spectres as being Puppeteers like herself, simply taking a different form to blend in. She shrugged her shoulders and answered.

_'__I don't remember anymore. It feels like we've been together for ages.'_

The Spectres nodded in agreement.

'Yes, yes.'

'Very long time.'

'That's how the game works you know, plus.'

Suddenly, The Batter skidded around the corner. Palamilla could just make out his face in the practically nonexistent light and smiled weakly.

'Well, we're off to be killed.'

'Nice chatting again.'

'Keep an eye on that oaf, yes?'

The Batter raised his bat above his head.

"You've done enough here Spectres, prepare to be purified!"

* * *

The Batter traveled slower now, keeping Palamilla close by his side. It was the hard way he found out that he was quite incapable of using any items of his own power, and Palamilla needed to heal him when they reunited.

_'__You should be more careful.'_ She chided.

"How much longer are we going to wander these blasted mines?" The Batter asked.

It was too dark for Palamilla to sigh and The Batter to see it.

"I have business to attend to."

Palamilla grit her teeth and glared at The Batter. He made her so mad, so upset that sometimes she just..!

A light flickered on along the wall. Followed by another, and another. They were dim, but they were there and filled the tunnels with enough light The Batter could look around and get his bearings.

"We should be able to go down this tunnel here and get to the exit."

He motioned for Palamilla to follow him and resumed walking. Even with the dim light, it was difficult navigating tunnels. The Batter suddenly stopped and looked Palamilla in the eye.

"These lights. Was turning them on one of the powers you have as a Puppeteer?"

Palamilla lowered her eyes. Yes, as one of The Puppeteers she did have some power over the world, but certainly not enough to turn on lights? What allowed her to turn them on? Transitioning between Zones was easy because of the red boxes, and she could use items on The Batter because they were an entity that existed between both the world of The Batter and The Puppeteers. But directly influencing the world? That was not the role of The Puppeteer.

"The Puppeteer's are strange." The Batter commented.

He sat down and cleaned his bat. Palamilla stayed standing a little longer before sitting down next to The Batter. There was an unspoken rule between the two about personal space. Arms length, don't try to touch each other, and don't try to sleep at the same time in the same room. It was simple rules like that preventing any unnecessary emotional awkwardness. The rules were set in place ages ago, maybe hundreds of years ago, it was impossible to tell how time passed. Over the passing of time however, it seemed the amount of space that needed to be kept between the two shrunk, and more effort was made on The Batter's part to speak to Palamilla.

_'__Puppeteers are indeed strange.'_ Palamilla agreed.

"What's the point of you being here if you can't even talk to us?"

Palamilla shrugged, but The Batter was not paying attention. When he finished cleaning the ectoplasm off his bat, he laid it beside him and crossed his legs. Palamilla sat on her knees and cracked open the book to check The Batters stats.

_'__Batter! You're poisoned!'_ She cried.

She flipped through the pages, seeing if they had anything that would cure the poisoning. The Batter glanced over at her concentrated page turning and frowned.

"You just checked my stats a few minutes ago, what's the problem?"

Palamilla showed The Batter his poisoned status and he made a huffing noise.

"I feel fine, it's not a big deal."

He flipped the book closed and handed it to Palamilla. She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, for herself, not The Batter. His attitude was off putting, and worrisome. It was a good thing Palamilla was there to watch out for him, otherwise his mission to purify the Zones wouldn't end well. Palamilla could tell The Batter was lying about his condition. He wouldn't be sitting down if he was alright, his cocky attitude wouldn't let him take breaks.

_'__Batter... Don't push yourself...'_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 whoooooo! What is this disaster? No seriously, I feel so weird posting a parody/crack fic. I hope there is some amusement in this?**

The Batter's confidence wasn't entirely misplaced. Despite being poisoned he was handling himself fairly well. He learned a skill that allowed him to recover some of his Health, and found a strange Add-On that helped him in combat. Between that, and Palamilla using healing items on him when his health drooped, The Batter stayed in fighting shape. They made their way deeper into Zone 1, now looking for a man named Dedan, the leader. If The Batter could defeat Dedan, the Zone would be purified.

_'__He's close by, be careful Batter.'_

Outside a large building, Palamilla and The Batter finally found a box that could refresh The Batter. His poisoning cured, he flexed and flashed Palamilla a cocky smile.

"Nothing can stop me now."

The Add-On, Alpha, was chatty. It constantly talked to Palamilla in a language not unlike the one she spoke as a Puppeteer. Alpha spoke of The Batter in high praise, even though it had just met him. It adored The Batter like a puppy loving its' master. It also was enthralled by Palamilla, preferring to listen to her instead of The Batter in combat. She guided it alongside The Batter, having it cover where he was too preoccupied to notice. If The Batter noticed he was not in control of Alpha, he neglected to say anything. The Alpha would speak to The Batter at times, and he seemed to be able to hear the enthralled Add-On, but he was unable to understand its' babble.

Stepping into the large building, Palamilla visibly shuddered.

_'__This place feels wrong Batter.'_ She murmured.

The Batter noticed Palamilla shudder and looked at her in concern.

"I am going to purify this place, there is no reason to be nervous."

Palamilla lowered her eyes. As a Puppeteer she knew that Dedan was powerful, maybe even too powerful for The Batter. It was her duty to ensure The Batter was prepared for any challenge before him, but what could she do if The Batter wasn't ready? He gave Palamilla no chance to dwell further, heading deeper into the building. Palamilla offered little guidance, letting The Batter go in circles hoping it would level him up as he fought the Spectres. Eventually however, The Batter caught onto this scheme and stopped.

"Do not lead me in circles Palamilla."

Feeling guilty, Palamilla looked at the ground and frowned. The Batter was upset, and she had no way to let him know she was simply worried for his safety.

"It is important we reach Dedan as soon as possible."

Palamilla sighed and stared at The Batter. He gazed back, their eyes locking. His gaze was hard and unflinching. Palamilla could tell he wasn't angry with her, just upset by the fact that he was being slowed down in his mission. Palamilla walked closer to The Batter. He took a small step back, conscious of the 'personal space' rule. Palamilla reached out for him and hesitated. It was unheard of for a Puppeteer to touch the being they guide. No telling what would happen if the two made any sort of physical contact. The Batter seemed equally wary, a look of deep concern crossing his face.

"Palamilla, what are you doing?"

She nibbled her lip nervously. It was more than the fear of what would happen if they touch that made her hesitate, it was fear of what she would do after. Each Puppeteer was assigned to a charge they would connect with, Palamilla was no exception. But what she thought was at first just the need to protect The Batter, quickly turned into a crush followed by a full-blown infatuation. The Batter was obviously to involved with his mission of purification to care about such things, but as a Puppeteer, Palamilla spent her entire existence fawning over other beings. It was only natural that eventually she would develop feelings for some of them.

_'__Batter...'_

Palamilla placed a heavy hand on The Batter's shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze before quickly pulling away and crossing her arms defensively. She turned her head to avoid The Batter's deep and questioning gaze. He moved so that Palamilla was forced to look at him. He struggled to make an expression other than his typical, cocky smirk.

"Alright... You're worried. I'll... I'll level up some."

Palamilla smiled and nodded her head.

_'__Thank you.'_

The Batter turned around, heading out of the building instead of deeper in. They walked outside and stopped by the red box so The Batter could recover and save progress. After a little bit of level grinding, Palamilla started leading The Batter deeper into Dedan's lair. His confident strut was reassuring now that Palamilla saw how high his level had gotten. Certainly Dedan would be no trouble.

_'__I'll be right beside you Batter.'_ Palamilla told him sweetly.

She felt a faint pang of sadness that he couldn't hear her words, but brushed it off as they stepped into Dedan's office. The man was a towering giant, and built like a bear. He and The Batter exchanged words, and the fight began. Dedan seemed to pay Palamilla no attention as he fought The Batter, until he noticed Palamilla reading over the menu book and using healing items on him.

"SO YOU HAVE A LITTLE BUG HELPING YOU? THEN I WILL SQUISH HER LIKE ONE!"

Palamilla was intimidated by Dedan, but she knew he wouldn't be able to actually hurt her. At least, she thought. Dedan launched a powerful attack her way that sent her flying back and caused her to slam into a wall.

"Palamilla!"

The Batter was at her side in an instant. The impact certainly hurt, but she recovered quickly and pushed The Batter back to Dedan.

_'__Fight, win!'_ She cried.

"I'll teach you to hurt a woman!" The Batter cried.

He came at Dedan with renewed vigor, swinging his bat in a wide arc and striking the man repeatedly in the head. Dedan seemed unphased by this, and gripped The Batter's bat.

"YOU HAVE MADE A MISTAKE BATTER." He roared.

With a mighty crack, Dedan shattered The Batter's weapon and gripped him by his throat.

"NOW YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!"

Palamilla watched in horror as Dedan crushed the life out of The Batter. Even without looking at the menu book, she knew that The Batter had very few hit points left. She felt tears forming in her eyes as she rushed towards Dedan and began pounding on him with her small fists.

_'__Let him go you monster!'_ She cried.

Dedan laughed.

"Look at this, Batter! Your Puppeteer thinks she can save you! YOU ARE A GHOST IN THIS WORLD. YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SAVE HIM!"

Dedan swatted Palamilla away with a single hand and laughed. The Batter growled in anger and clawed at the meaty hand around his throat. Palamilla struck the ground with a loud crack and laid there. Suddenly, Alpha zipped into the fight and hit Dedan right in the face. It was enough of a distraction The Batter was able to get away and pick up the fragments of his broken bat. Dedan tried to grab Alpha, but the Add-On was too fast and evaded the monster's grip. With deadly precision, The Batter lept forward with his broken bat and sank it into Dedan's chest. His breath caught in his throat and the massive man fell to the ground. With a single, pitiful gurgle, Dedan expired before The Batter.

"You have been purified."


End file.
